Yes, I know, it is nearly March. Where does time take us? There is truth in the saying that the older you get, the faster time travels. Of course it is mostly because we are not as free as children and yet when we are young we gaze at adulthood with envy because of all the perceived freedoms and possibilities. And still, here we are, feeling less free time than ever. We live in a society that values productivity, which means we do not give ourselves enough downtime. And when we have it we feel guilty and pressured to accomplish whatever we can because tomorrow won’t let us. Does that sound familiar? If so, you feel as I do.
In the hustle and bustle of life I have taken the past month and a half to focus on some tasks at home. I had to wrap up tax season and have taken on some sessions with my volunteer position with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS). It is great to give to others in their time of sorrow and need. As a mother, it breaks my heart. As a mother of a child with special needs, I can somewhat grab their grief and sympathize. I, too, lost my child. The one I thought I was going to have.
It does not end there back on D (diagnosis) Day, though. Just today I stopped by my mom’s preschool room and 10 minutes in to our visit (Cal was with) it dawned on me that he was with his peers. Yes, having a July birthday puts him at a bit young for the group, but still. STILL! Wow, he is not where they are at. So, I lost that child I thought I was going to hold and take home from the hospital and he is still gone.
I do not shed tears like I used to though. Pain may not go away but it fades as new things in life take root and grow. This is in no way meant to minimize anyones grief. It is just a reality and thank God for that bit of mercy and grace!
There are definitely different phases and levels of grief and some people have the capacity to heal more than others. I think it depends on their personality and such as well as their own situation. For me, I have a “get through this” personality and I have a child to hug and rock and read to. However, the lesson in all of this is we have no idea when it will end or what it will look like before it does.
But rather than lie in wait with fear, we can rejoice in God’s plans for all of us. I really do believe that in my heart. Sometimes I read about God and wonder if the person writing the words really believes it or thinks it is just the right thing to say.
I am in a bible study group with some very special ladies on Tuesday mornings. I am probably the least wise of us all. I do not know scripture in a way I can quote it or turn the page right to a passage. I am not sure I am always at a place where poetic scripture speaks to me, either, so some is lost on me. But you know what, it does not matter. I am there. I am learning. I am applying. Slowly, but surly!
Last week was one of my favorites this year (we go by the school calendar with our group) in that we do not have to justify anything we say or believe to anyone. As long as we do it for God and his glory, it remains between us and God. And, no one else has to explain or tell us their beliefs either. That is between them and God. That is a hard one for me, especially if I am tired or hurting. I am quick to judge. After all, I have made myself righteous in my own mind, therefore everything I think and say should be followed. Right? WRONG!
We all live a different life with different circumstances, whether familial, locational, genetic, etc. These things guide our beliefs. How can we possibly expect anyone to just throw all of that away and follow us? We are not Jesus! However, it is always wise to keep our hands folded and ask for guidance because just like Calvin’s creation, God brings us through valleys and across mountains in ways we could never even dream of or ever think we would survive!
If we let our fears guide our decisions, we will miss out on life. Calvin is my proof and reminder that God is in control and knows better than I do (thankfully!)