Life is like the wind. It just blows by. Invisible, fast, changing. It is true what they say. Time flies the older you get. I cannot imagine the years to come. Children blow that wind. They make it more interesting, quick, and powerful.
To go back a couple of months feels a bit overwhelming with all I would like to share. Most of it fleeting, both in thoughts and memories. Something only I can hold as part of my past. Like Nolan grabbing the toy gun, climbing up on the deck chair and taking aim at passing vehicles. The picture in my mind is of a little boy who was wearing a coordinating outfit on a muggy, mixed-up-sky day, with his yellow mud boots on. This, THIS, is what little kids are made of. Wild abandonment. Following their little heart’s desire, not caring that the drivers may just be a bit concerned about the too-real rifle being held by a pip of a boy whose mother is not outside with him. This little, crew-cut freckled boy who will capture the hearts of many with his country boy looks and tender soul. My soul is already lost in him. This, THIS, is what being a mother is about.
Why then must life be filled with so much other than those spectacular short-lived moments of raw and utter awe?
The answer is because this is life on Earth. Real life to this point is something I never fully experienced until I became a mother. I can honestly, whole-heartedly say that and I will acknowledge that though it is not true for each of us, nor even possible for all of us, it is what really has earthed me, yet brought me closer to the heavens. I now take punches and roll with them because some of the most tough things in my life have happened because I became a mother. Relationships, roles, and responsibilities, my outlook, concerns, joys, and sorrows. They all are different when experienced as a mother. As I write this, I feel a bit of sadness and loss for those who could not become mothers. However, I know that we all have our challenges, not the same as the next person’s, and they are all blessings. For those women, this challenge has changed them. Or, the women who have lost children. Like our little Annie this past week who was a breath older than 2 and whose heart could no longer beat for her.
We choose, each and every day, how to live our life with what we have and it usually comes down to the form of our hearts and minds. What is our attitude and outlook going to be like? Stressors and external life interferes so much with those raw moments that take our breath away. For some reason, when I noticed Nolan as I passed by the kitchen patio, I had to pause and burn that in my mind because I knew it would not last. It meant so much to me to see him. Talking to himself. I have no idea what he was saying. He was living in a fantasy. One that at 5 years old is actually a reality. I felt content. I felt like no matter what, things were going to be okay.
I remembered being that way as a child. The way children should be able to be and I knew in that moment I was providing as his mom. I gave him the sense of security to be so daring and carefree. I gave him the freedom to be independent. To not care if an ‘indoor toy’ wound its way ‘outdoors’. To choose to wear those muddy boots even though he inevitably tracked little curved chunks of dried mud through the dinning room.
Life is not only like the wind, it is windy. The older I get, the faster it flies by and the more I realize it is rarely calm, predictable, or gentle. I also find a lot of comfort in knowing that this place is temporary and the next place my feet land will be filled with moments like this without any of the stress and worries. Now, that is something to hold on to in the wind.